I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
