Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
