Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
