I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
