ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
