Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
50% drunk capacity currently
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
