He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
