i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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