he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
