Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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