You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize