I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
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