i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
