I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
