I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
