god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
