Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I want to fling myself into the sun
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
