I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize