Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
25 Hilarious ‘Sex Clubs’ You Should Try To Join
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
These 23 People Had Crazy Sex With Complete Strangers
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party