shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
