my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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