i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
