When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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