I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Welp...herpes.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
