I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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