i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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