i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
