Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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