You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
