Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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