According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
