Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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