you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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