well you can't waste a boner
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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