He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
