false alarm. still invincible.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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