Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
