mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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