The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
