Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
