she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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