I am midnight drunk by noon
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
