On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
