I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
