I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
