you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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