you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
