Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
