Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
