i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
