Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
