Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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