end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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