he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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