saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
