Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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