So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
