Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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