Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
