Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
