I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
