That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
